Been working for the church while my life falls apart

This is... complete hypocrisy when I say this...
but I'd like to encourage everyone with a blog to

1)write more
2)to write without fear
3)to write with your voice, because no one else can say what you are thinking

No, I don't plan on being an English teacher because I don't think I could say this to a classroom full of kids with a straight face, day after day. I'll leave that to professionals like Hazeu.

Writing is a tough, effing deal. When was the last time you tried to free write? When was the last time you tried creation at all? It's difficult! It's always difficult! (But I suppose the difficulty is somewhat pending upon your personal expectations.)

I can't do it.

Wait yes I can. I've been attempting it for years and years. Some years were more productive than others - sure. But there are some things that I'm really proud about writing.
I get excited about writing sometimes, like I get excited when I think about printing a negative after seeing it for the first time when the fix is all washed off, when the viewfinder of the camera places a clean and well-thought out composition and the footage is finally captured so the sequence is mentally pieced together.
I usually get excited about writing because I read good writing.

I can't do it.

I don't know what to do, what I should do or if I'm doing what I am currently doing (a lot of nothing and freaking the fuck out) is for the right reason... or if it is a direct result of my tendency to hate humanity, love and myself.

But I think I have a good idea what love is. And I think I love humanity and myself enough to be humble and recognize that I (me, Alvin) is not a big deal at all
and
at the same time
I know that they love me.

I'm always okay. Maybe there are times when I wish I were doing better, but I'm always okay.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. Aren't we all?

Your turn;
Am I something of an island?
Why does/did Mrs. Krygsman think I was cocky?

I wonder if anyone I know will be at breakfast...

I also wonder:

-if it is 5 44 AM here in NW Iowa, and, it being mid/late November, it tends to get dark right around 5 30 PM... what time the sunrise will be

-how effin' cold it will be

-whether my roommate worries on mornings like these that he wakes up without me sprawled on the couch (I sleep on the couch or the hammock, more the couch lately because of the late nights and the cold)

-if I can stay awake... today.

I think I'd be okay with eating alone... I might prefer it? Especially for breakfast, but I think the best situation would be to have breakfast with someone terrific but to eat and sit in silence (mostly).

OK. I'm in the process of pulling an all-nighter but I'm going to share some thoughts about dreams. They've always been significantly fascinating to me-both because they are so elusive in recollection, form and study and because they are, at the same time, so vivid and powerful - as if even the most cliche plots and worst actors could draw your heart in... every night. I have considered before that they may very well be a string of sub-conscious repressed thoughts that get to play once your guard is let down. Thank you Freud and those influenced by Freud. However... could it be perhaps that in addition to/contrary to that theory, that though we don't always realize or acknowledge our dreams, that they play a key role to our behavior and reality once we wake up? Are we at our most emotionally and psychologically vulnerable when we are in REM? Maybe God (and I wouldn't put it past him/her) actually is sovereign over every aspect of our being. I'm thinking of the movie Signs here and the idea that there is no coincidence, no randomosity... that every roll of the dice, every hair that falls from our heards... and every sequence of events that befall us in our sleep is a significant... speck, at least, of our existence.
Note: I really hate the movie The Butterfly Effect, but I suppose it has some domain in this brooding vomit.
Psychology really does interest me... do I obtain the capacity to explore it? Is my mental disposition worthy of such a tedious and significant study?

"Significant study? Compared to what, Alvin? Compared to what?"

Well, that's a whole different post isn't it?

Which reminds me... Piper/Joel/PaulK, get moving on that DordtTalk alternative, will you?

One last question in humility... How do you go about _______ __ ____ ____ ____________?

Do you know where I was at your age?

When my dad was in college, he maintained a GPA of at least 3.7 and up.
He also worked when he wasn't in class or studying. He didn't have his parents pay his way. He didn't receive half tuition because HIS dad was a prof.

I'm not saying I regret quitting the theater because, and hear me if you will, Fridley Theatres (based mostly in Iowa and South Dakota and surrounding states) is a horribly managed chain. Family owned means incompetent employers and paying their workers below minimum wage for seven months... and counting.

I just spent four hours in the darkroom.
Before that, I was discussing music and literature.
Before that, I was studying philosophy (Plato, Aristotle, Bavinck).
Before that, I had practice for chapel.
Before that, I was editing videos for this weekend.
Before that, I took Renae to the hospital.
Before that, I had class.
Before that, I had another class.
Before that, I felt like I should start the day but suffered a severe lack of motivation...

and now, at 5:20 in the morning, while still unprepared for my day, I feel great to be alive. Yes, I'm tired... and I should keep reading both philosophy (for the test tomorrow) and Hamlet (for my first class tomorrow).

I keep being approached for what I've been saying on DordtTalk. DordtTalk is our campus online forum for discussion. I had forgotten about it until Student Forum considered removing it... for various reasons. Yes, that happens sometimes.

My car can't drive for more than ten minutes at a time.
Renae's car can't drive... at all... because of me.
My computer is in repair in Sioux Falls... I cannot obtain it.
...I think we'll be okay though. The thing to say here would be, "At least we have our health," but remember what I said about taking Renae to the hospital? That was to draw blood so they could run tests and figure out what's wrong with her. At least we have... the care to freak out over such things.

I know I've been a liar and I know I've been a fool

OkOkOk... a night of sitting on the floor and, again, catching up so brilliantly
-so easily-
and then braving the cold and the wind outside, scrawling messages with shaking fingers...
that shifted into a glass of wine, a cupcake and more biographicals and ideas...

"Our beliefs change to fit our actions when it should be the other way around."

...right? Oh man. You're right. Is what I said.
Well, maybe not completely but it could so easily be correct. We were discussing how our views change from when we first learn about things to now, when we do things.

"I will NEVER..." turns into "I enjoy it every once in a while..."

+

I went to the Tyler James concert tonight... there are too many stories to pick just one right now. And my eyelids are powerful beasts.
"It's just weird, you know?"
Yeah...

Family Order

An excellent, excellent edition of Time is the one with the kids on the cover. It wasn't a very long article, actually, for being the cover story... but it also has that short one about what meal famous chefs would choose for their last (I don't know why discussion about passionate cuisine and what we ate while growing up keeps tearing me up... what the hell?) and a conversation with Cormac McCarthy and Joel and Ethan Coen. Those guys are hilarious.

The family order basically stated that research and the escalating number of studies show that your place among your siblings really follows a trend. Like, startlingly. Of course, personality and ego both are prone to other factors: family income, neighborhood, parenting etc. But generally, the oldest is the biggest and most intelligent, most immunized and has the most scrapbook/memory photo albums made and the parents, I assume, decide that they are too tired for such things when the next children come along so they cut it out... but the younger kids notice! The oldest child is the most successful and, in the game of careers and life, wins the game because he/she is forced to step up as an authority and won the unbridled virgin affection of both parents alone... for awhile.

The middle child, assuming the first child was a good kid, rebels for attention by being a bad child. He/she also never has the parents alone because the oldest was there first and the youngest is usually around by the time the oldest moves out. So... the middle child is whatever goes. They didn't say too much... but it's almost a definite inferiority complex because the first child is so effin' successful academically, socially etc. etc. That prick.

The youngest child sometimes rebels from the middle child (or de-de-identifies, as the article put it) and behaves. Something else was said, something else was said, the youngest is most likely to take risks and take the most adventurous and passionate life of firefighter, artist, comedian etc.

So it makes sense that the oldest child scored the highest on the SAT's, flourished in school and church social groups and is a strong leader... that the middle child is a bit inclusive and withdrawn, reaching for more rigid academics (business and accounting and numbers equaling up!)... and the youngest child, um, wants to drop out and learn to write and be a photographer and take cooking classes while living in a commune and gardening.

Okay, so I said I want to drop out. That's not totally true. It's all true, there are significant shades of truth in everything of that sentence... and I think I'd be happy and find myself super defensive when people say, "Trust me; you'll be a lot happier if you stay in school." Okay. I am staying in school. Also. How do you know that? You don't know that! Why do I need a college education to be happy? I need to take these generals and spend my parents money, scholarships to learn, momentarily, the biology of the brain?

Well, I need a college education to get a job of any sort. Yes, I acknowledge that... but not any job of any sort. I'm not here to get the "new GED" though. I'm here, as I am (I hope) in every part of life to absorb every part of existence. As in, to learn.

And classes and learning make me happy, they feed me. But... well, I'm just thinking about the idea of a college where each student creates his/her own individual major, as in, there are no set curriculums or programs, but the mentors help you map out your semesters according to what kind of education you want. Every major is an individual study, custom designed. And I just spoke with a friend that is changing his major from Criminal Studies (which our college doesn't offer anymore) to Business... because he can do a lot with that... but he didn't sound too excited.

I'm not cut out to be a Lit. major. I knew this before but I really know it now. It has been decided.


I think my last meal would be Hae Dup Bap. Which, I know!, isn't Korean, but our family grew up eating sashimi and... it's so good. Don't know what it is?

There's fried rice (bokum bap) that is tasty and my dad is really good at making it. Taking steamed rice and adding shite to it and frying it all together...

A step up from that is bibim bap. It is like bokum, but you don't fry it. You add fresh vegetables and some cold cooked vegetables (ban chan) like zucchini to steamed rice and poach/fry an egg on top and mix it up with your chopsticks in sesame oil and red pepper paste (which is a marvelous invention). I've eaten it with eggplant in it and various mushrooms... usually there is some beef in too. Seriously... oh seriously.

Hae dup bap is pretty similar to that but instead of the beef is various sashimi (our family does salmon and red snapper... I think my mom has a specific affinity to that combination). And there's no egg and more of salad ingredients instead of eggplant, various sprouts etc. If my mom loves you, she'll cut up some nori over your bowl and, if she really loves you, she'll mix it for you and it will taste much better. Some greens, fresh jalapeno, sesame leaf, fish eggs, red pepper sauce and/or dynamite sauce, wasabi... the fish really makes the dish but if you have bad rice or then you have bad rice... and this isn't a Chinese restaurant! (We don't have Orange Chicken here, slut!) This is home, where we take our giant bowls out to the deck and sit, smelling the sesame growing from our garden and laughing.

Well... now I want to live somewhere on the coast. I love you, mom.

At 2 14 in the AM, now, I would light some candles, put some water on for tea and make something delicious and savory to eat
I would step outside with a clove and consider the stars
I would set some dough to rest for baking in the morning
I would relearn hand molds for minor chords and augmentations
I would sit, by candlelight, and read about Julia Child learning how to cook in France...

in a few years, when we all live together, on our piece of land, tending and giving back.

p.s. Can we raise lamb?

Maybe I'll come up with a title by the end

'Cause these don't necessarily have to be finished works, do they? They're blogs for crying out loud. Yes, it's communication and the written word and, as in all things, we have a responsibility to write our best and truest. Before every great work, however, there is planning and even brainstorming.

I contacted a few graphic design students to put together an image for the Faith and Film t shirt that will hopefully exist soon(ish). It was very exciting. I let them know what we needed/wanted, they let me know that they were interested and some of them began rough draft stuff. We got one image in already. From who? One of about five or six people involved. It wasn't right on the dot of what we were looking for. (Of course, we don't know yet what we're looking for, but we know it will be something amazing and beautiful - quality design.) It was satisfying to start a dialogue about the decisions they made, what the club is about etc. I hope dearly that she wasn't offended (I actually wrote the words, "Don't be discouraged" in my last reply) because it was a good initial try and she's a freshman and I don't think she has been to American Beauty or Whale Rider. So I sent her the constitution for the club, which is vague but gives a general idea of our intention, and invited her to see Virgin Suicides (Oct. 28th!). I hope she does and that she gets time to give it another shot. I'm sure she will and let me say, if it hasn't been inferred already, that I am super grateful for her enthusiasm and effort.


"Can you be friends with someone if... ... ...?"
"...at some point, I just confronted them and reminded them, 'Hello? She's a human being!'"
"Yeah, but what if..."
"I don't even think they realized that they were doing it..."
"...just tell them to bitch to someone else? Take it in without comment? Defend them?"
"Unless he's not especially picky about who his friends are."

Working at the Bean is the closest thing to being a bartender - which, I've found, is the most interesting and enjoyable jobs out there. You control music, people come to you to unwind and gather with friends and you provide them with a refreshing drink. It's not even that the drink is super comforting or caffeinated, but it is sustenance - it could very well be water that they're drinking (people should drink more water anyway) and they would be ready to do what they came to do.

Arcade Fire, Decemberists, Polyphonic Spree - I love these bands. And, sheesh, they all have like a lot of people involved in their performances. Well, I caught some of Decemberists on Austin City Limits and they had four or five members from the looks of it. The Polyphonic have... twenty three? Arcade Fire, when we saw them in St. Paul, had eleven or so. It was hard to tell 'cause they were all dancing and running around and changing instruments. I love Polyphonic and sing their songs a lot but 'Cade Fire and Decemberists definitely have a place in my top five albums. Crane Wife is in there... but, though I'm leaning more and more toward Neon Bible, I really love Funeral. It's a strange transition to become saturated with these two and a half (ie. a road trip to see Arcade Fire and playing Crane Wife dominantly in the ride to and from, in addition to Funeral/Neon Bible/single tracks of nostalgic stuff) and then listening to... I dunno... bands with drums and elec. guitar. Sufjan Stevens. John Wayne Gacy jr. is one hell of a song, and it's piano and guitar. And so is He Woke Me Up Again. But Chicago? Man of Metropolis? (to name a few!) it's... as much of a bastard this will make me out to be, it sounds like music. It's not pedestrian or done before or whatever. In addition! because a wide assortment of instruments alone doesn't make a great band, amazing amazing songs - lyrical style, energy, theme, conviction... it's much more of a dynamic challenge to put together an organ, two guitars, three violins, a keyboard, a french horn, accordion, everyone of them singing etc. than to place drums, guitar and bass together. Yes, drums and guitar and bass are super versatile but... how many bands do you hear that sound the same with drums and guitar and shit?

This has been Thursday. October 18, 2007. It has been cloudy and drizzling rain as have the past five or so days. Today has been a gift and I hope you have all ran with it. Praise God. Praise God for the people that make you who you are, for academic ability, for social effort and for orchestrating every second of every minute today.

The last call for alcohol

Apparently in Iowa, you can get fired for absolutely anything. For any reason. OR, I assume, for no reason.

Fridley Theatres encourages questions and comments from the general public. Apparently, once you become an employee for Fridley Theatres, you are no longer general public and they withdraw their invitation to comment. Apparently, this falls under the 'absolutely anything' category from before.

Is my job at stake?

Sloan* and I have thought about quitting for... a very long time. But where could we work in town that was as slack and had as easy benefits? It's a horrible job for many reasons, but I think the worst part is that it spoiled us and kept us in this frame of mind that tells us, "Every job you have from here out should be this easy. Work lightly for about forty minutes, clean and sit around until the next shows start.

My friend had a brief discussion with his mother-his MOTHER-today. Said mother asked, without provocation, if this "Philip" kid (who is I!) was a cocky kid or what. Gerald* (friend) thought this to be surreal. When he related this to me, I felt a frozen faced confusion and utter, "Why does your mom think I'm cocky?!"

Okay, it bothered me a bit more than it should have. I don't think I'm cocky. And she admitted that she didn't know, but somehow I exuded such an attitude to her or to someone she knows or to someone that speaks in her range. I know, at best, of this woman. I know Gerald* and Gerald's* sister Annabelle* and Gerald's sister's husband Frank* better... and they love me!

This is a good time. The smell of coffee is in the air, another journey (Yes! Another one!) awaits me and the White Album is playing. I have two beautiful friends with me. I have, tomorrow, the open road and an excited girl running to an excited family and I just have to feed from their energy and be conscious of life.
I realized that I've been doing a horrible job of this lately. It's been a mindless droning about, an almost comatose state where I would be without my being aware. It's not how I want to live.

*guises

According to BBC

I don't know what the average college student uses for current events and news.
For myself, I think it's mostly the BBC news site, the Time magazine I pick up from our house every once in a while and the Argus leader (which, I know, is not the greatest newspaper, but it's free and litters the student center).
Right. I don't remember who or where but it was sometime recently... oh I DO remember who and where! It was in Eng. 200 and Prof. Schelhaas started with an article written about why we should have a draft for Iraq. I think he did it mostly to wake people up and start a discussion. This douchebag who thinks I'm his friend spewed some completely irrelevant and untrue thoughts - blah blah - and Schelhaas patiently waited the shit storm out.
He then asked, "Have you been following the war in Iraq?"
Douchebag: Ha! No. Hahahaa! *Look around for apathetic douchebag behavior approval*

There are some idiots out there...

Um, no. But listen! Have you been following the war in Iraq at all? The meeting of the Koreas? The Burmese protest?

According to BBC, stories about the Burmese monks being detained, the Korean summit and Zimbabwe's flour shortage all took a back seat to

1) Spears loses custody of children

How many of you know the situation with Britney Spears? Show of hands!

How many of you knew about the protests that both monks and civilians assembled in Burma? Who knows who Aung San Suu Kyi is?

Who can give another piece of information from North Korea other than that, "They're crazy! They're crazy! They all want to kill us! No! Seriously!"

(Not an exaggeration. Almost word for word, what a co worker spewed after I had said that I was Korean. Of course, another high schooler asked me if I were North or South Korean and before I could answer, the frenzy began.)

And it wears me out.

Decisions

I spent a long time playing Rook in the Bean and we were near a few people vigorously studying what Andy Schroed and I had to yet. It escalated and we were, eventually, flanked then surrounded almost completely. And their sound was monstrous with brain vocab. I have two classes tomorrow. I have Modern British Lit. and I have Psych 201. I have a great, intimidating and fantastic time in Lit and a boring time in Psych - this is mostly because the intro. to Psych revolves about brain anatomy.
There is a test/exam in Psych tomorrow and, because it is a required general, a lot of people were anxious and stressed out. I found myself, after finishing the game, reading through my British Lit and enjoying it, absorbing it, savoring it and finishing it as the rest of the Bean finished studying for Psych and headed to sleep. I, at the moment, have read through the text and will decipher individual brain functions and apply ideas before I head to bed.
As a few friends bade goodnight, I exchanged some words with a certain individual who - and we all know these words - expressed that while he wanted to do well in this class that is required and not his major and, in specific brain anatomy, useless to him after he receives a passing grade, it was taking the toll out of his energy. Said energy was reserved for the classes he is taking for his major. I nodded, completely understanding his somewhat ironic situation and my heart went out to him.
But as he left and I turned back to my seat, I realized that in knowing his position, I did not completely share it. I am taking six courses this semester, three credits each, eighteen credits total.

Modern British Lit.
*Intro. Psych
*American Lit.
Adv. Film Editing
*Intro. Philosophy
Adv. Photography (* required for all undergrads)

My major is English: Writing. I am interested in Philosophy as I do acknowledge the basic questions that plague every mind that is not asleep. And every time I step into both Film and Photo, I seriously consider double majoring in English and Film or English and Photo (even though there is no Film or Photography major). Psych is, definitely, the class I am least interested in because of the foundation of brain anatomy.
I realized that I had already decided to not take the course too seriously... with some reservations. I have a semi-basic academic scholarship (strictly not a big deal) that is a blessing and a gift and an enormous help, as long as I maintain a 3.0 GPA. Otherwise, I could not care less what number is calculated and assigned to my current learning efficiency.

The first semester of last year, I took five classes and fifteen credits. Taking all but one required courses and maintained a bored B average. I was bored with the class material, finding solace only in the fact that I was suffering with the camaraderie of other students.
The next semester, I took five and a half courses. One and a half of them were required and the rest were upper level and strictly FOR ME courses (The Short Story, Broadcast Production, Heresies and Sects, Photo I). And, to put it bluntly, I frickin' thrived. I performed the bare minimum in my required courses and dived into
what I decided to take. I loved it.

I know I "should care more about my academics" in general. I've been told that my entire life. But I've also been told, for just as long, that I was going to make one hell of a medical doctor (nay, that I HAVE to make one hell of a medical doctor) and then, when that dream went to piss, that I am borderline required to attend grad school. Hear this. I am not the kind of student that can choose what he cares about. Does that, generally, make me a bad student? I'm sure the prof. who teaches the required courses doesn't appreciate it too much, but I don't know many profs who enjoy teaching required courses - I know my dad doesn't. Also, I acknowledge the fact that I still do learn much from Phil and Psych (and DID learn important things in the science courses I took and satisfied), don't get me wrong. I am, however, finite. And with a full work load, I will prioritize as I see fit. I, myself, happen to place a good conversation that stimulates such a long-winded, overdue blog than to immediately study for a general class test involving the section of brain anatomy. I attended the brief review session with the prof's TA and she, a psych major, told us repeatedly that unless you are going specifically into Bio Psychology, you will never need to use this info. She doesn't and she is a Psych major. I had thought we were finished asking when we would ever use what they tried to teach us in middle school, then high school, but it followed us here.

One last quick, beautiful part of my night.
Another friend came and touched bases with me. She works much more diligently and efficiently than I do, at all times, and I am glad that I get to see her as much as I do (which isn't that much at all, but it is when you consider schedules). And somehow in our conversation, she semi-lamented as to how she is not allowed the time or energy to take an elective, play her violin, sing in the two choirs she is in. I think it is important to say that she does not regret this fact, her decision in her life in these months, but I feel I must say, because she might feel, that she does regret this lack of freedom and wiggle room in such an energetic time of growth in a human.
"At least you'll have a job when you graduate."
Which, she knows and appreciates and acknowledges, but she assured me that, because I'm such a smart guy, that I would to. And that I would love it. And that if I didn't find one very quickly, I'd be okay.

Now... about the medulla.

What I told the stranger that was so ludicrous.

Renae gave me another marriage talk. This makes it about two and a half times now... but who's counting? The freaked out, untamed, unwhipped boyfriend. That's who.
So... um. It was actually pretty calm, the entire ordeal. We were garage sale-ing and God was happy with us because there were PUPPIES at our first stop!

... ...I think it would be necessary at this point to defend the honor of pugs. When you're looking at puppies, they are bumbling over each other and falling down, tripping on their own ears and eagerly sniffing your fingers, then licking your fingers, then sneezing. It's precious. And you fight back the urge to baby talk... well, some of us do. I don't think baby talk and puppy talk are mutually exclusive, but they may as well be. There were two cages. One of pugs and the other of... some sort of larger, fluffier pups. Personally, I'm a big fan of pugs at both the puppy and pissed off old tiny creature. It's all good. The fluffy puppies already looked like they were old and dying. Who wants a creature that's supposedly old and dying without the years of development and companionship? Weirdos. That's who. That's some cold shit, man.
Also. The fluffy ones weren't as active; they did not trip over each other to investigate the puppy talking Asian kid on the other side of the cage.

...there were puppies. I'll pick it up from there next time.

I told a stranger because it was ludicrous.

Renae gave me another marriage talk. This makes it about two and a half times now... but who's counting? The freaked out, untamed, unwhipped boyfriend. That's who.
So... um. It was actually pretty calm, the entire ordeal. We were garage sale-ing and God was happy with us because there were PUPPIES at our first stop!

...um. I'm going to try and organize my thoughts and figure this out later.
Enjoy!