It's economics

We're reviewing the exam we took last Friday and I'm catching bits and pieces of what I put down in the explanations the professor has been giving. This is good.
And still, I am bored.
To the far left corner, a bunch of American boys huddle together. They are all wearing black caps and whisper to each other the most.
Well, not the most. The person who whispers the most is also to my left. A guy, a curly blond California-haired-but-he's-really-from-Wisconsin guy, smiling and poking and fawning over the girl next to him. She's married, dude. Calm the stalker down.
The genius engineer guys, and one of their girlfriends, sit two rows ahead of me. They are tall, gaunt, lanky and ask very good questions.
I've the Grand Archives in my head. It'll put my walking to a sway, my tired scowl to a blissful grin. People will not know exactly what is going on, but they will see it in my stride.
This morning, I thought about God. Most mornings during the week, actually, I think about God. Now that I've thought it and written it, I realize I never would have expected to have those moments in the mornings. This is also good.
I really don't mind Economics class. I really don't - I have a huge respect for the professors and students who have these basic principles down.
But I need to get out of here.
Paul, David, I don't know that I have a ride out to Chicago. A lot of people don't and you would think we could band together and get going. I think and thought so too. And maybe something still will turn up.
But I need to get out of here.
Trains are expensive and, anyway, we need to get to Omaha to board. Yesterday the ATM declared my account in the negative. Yesterday was Sunday, so I'm still good if I get to the bank and deposit some cash today. I don't know that I'll have time. Reader, please read the pained enthusiasm I have for the opportunity to ride a train but, maybe I'm growing up, it's just not feasible. It would work out. Omaha to Chicago and then Grand Rapids, to Chicago, to Omaha for $200, but I don't have $200.
For today, for the next few hours anyway, I'll be on the lookout for encouragement. Maybe it will happen in Canadian Lit. (my next class). It's happened before.

Today, I met a skinny dog with a ratty tail. Tomorrow, I hope to meet his owners and exchange pleasantries or use my bike chain as a whip. I prefer the latter - we could really use a mascot and she's a sweet, sweet dog.

Is Cinnamon a better name for a dog than Ginger?

Today, I spent a little more than two hours emailing club leaders for clarification and it was actually very fun. When we ended our meeting last weekend, we were on a productivity high. I hope that stays and that it bleeds onto the leaders. Tomorrow, I hope to receive some responses.

Today, I still have Economics homework to do - reading and questions. The questions take a large amount of time and effort, like working through a tricky set of math problems. Some people enjoy the sense of accomplishment, the fact that they are "doing it correctly" and, so, it all wraps up neatly, as it should. I will never understand those people. Just kidding, I love you weirdos. Tomorrow, I will hand it in and get more of a high from completion in a class that I'm becoming gradually more interested in. I don't understand how so many huge companies can tank, how we can "bail them out" with obscene amounts of money that we don't even have... and, except for fleeting conversations, not be affected by it all.

I don't understand how anybody, even in their anger and their shame, can leave or give up or abandon. This could, and does, mean a lot of things... but it all comes back to stories I want to (re)read and stories I want to humiliate myself with by trying to write.

The cilantro-lime chicken salad at Lao Unity Church; watching auditions on large screen and yelling back and forth with co-casting directors; deliberate and brief embraces upon the slaughter of the day; the bittersweet glimpse of a friend and hesitating to continue on to different places and different activities.

EDIT
The Econ assignment is 10 essay/explanation questions and thirty-two (32) (a shit load) of reading. I was recently a fresh-faced, ambitious young punk. You have, before you, a broken little boy. I am leaving! I am leaving!

10 43 AM - Meet with Pip and Todd Montsma about potential Signet design ideas. Wonder, again, how Pip and I both managed to take on another task for the year. Leaf through and discuss design magazines and portfolios. Get excited.

11 24 AM - Back at the apartment. Shower, brush, deodorant, q-tip. Read and return emails. Sit and calm down for a few minutes, focusing on the day. Make lunch and eat silently, focusing on the day. Use a bell pepper that is losing its crunch, but not its flavor.

1 07 PM - See Jake, Dee, Joel P. and, again, Pip at the Grille area. Sit and congregate calmly, which is nice. Laugh, with Dee, at how cute Jake and Piper are. Todd stops by to hand us two design magazines that he wanted to show us earlier. Decide which one is cooler and which one, though more sleek, is less exciting. Piper takes the cooler one. Curse the power of girls and their puppy dog eyes. Sit with Dee for a few minutes.

1 33 PM - Lumber up the stairs in the campus center to the President's office. Inform the nice receptionist lady that I have a meeting with Provost Hoekstra. Feel important. She allows me in and I pull out my camera. Make small talk with Provost Hoekstra. Feel important. Snap action/mid-work photos of Provost for Diamond. Work to find interesting angles. Overhear a phone conversation where Provost makes fun of my going barefoot for the day. Plot revenge on Provost.

2 13 PM - Read more, respond to emails. Say to self, "Caffeine would be nice." Notice cute girl looking at me like I am an insane boy.

2 16 PM - Sit with Paul, Mark, Jessica and Becca at Grille. Try out Paul's stalker lens and feel like a creep. Notice discoloration on someone's neck and almost lose it. Write down someone's social security number.

2 21 PM - The Bean is open and Carmela is brewing a pot of coffee. Locate mug, sit down and pull one of seven magazines out of bag (PASTE). Continue with the visual design, composition thoughts - read about violence and Stanley Kubrick's A CLOCKWORK ORANGE.

2 23 PM - Curse self for not including Stanley Kubrick's A CLOCKWORK ORANGE in this semester's Faith and Film roster.

2 24 PM - Curse self for not making any progress for this semester's Faith and Film roster card.

2 26 PM - Emily Stam gets all up in my business (a good thing) and talks about the kids she TAs. Listen and advise her to get them in trouble. Realize that I should never be a teacher, but that it would be really fun.

2 42 PM - Walk to Mac Lab in the most beautiful weather imaginable. Linger out, in the sun, before having to enter the cold, sterile Mac Lab.

2 45 PM - Curse self for having forgotten the card reader for digital camera and not being able to unload photos from full card. Write up quick blog entry explaining how to upload photos on Photo III class blog.

2 52 PM - Back to Bean, more people; Voss, Scott, Jenny, Piper (yes, again). Ask Voss, "If I get fries from the Grille, will you have some?" Laugh at his enthusiastic response.

2 54 PM - Yell at Evan to audition for film. Start indoor hackey-sack with Scott.

3 11 PM - Begin outdoor hackey-sack with Scott, Dee and (surprise!) Nathan Smith. Almost face-plant on pavement.

3 16 PM - Social Work major extraordinaires Renae and Lisa pull up and we head to have conversations with elderly people in nursing home. Car ride with Iron & Wine.

3 32 PM - Listen to a sweet, old lady say some startling things. Wonder about potential photo assignment. Wonder what it's like to live in a nursing home.

4 54 PM - Back to campus, head to Philippines over Christmas Break meeting for video production. See everyone from previous video classes (reunion!) and some underclassmen. Get excited for traveling to capture video footage and eat. Yes, Piper is there.

5 28 PM - Run, with Pip, to Justice Matters potluck. Pip informs me that she sees me more than Jake does. Feel grateful that Jake is a gentle soul and not a violent one. Feel envious of Jake's gentle soul and of Piper's fiance. Meet people, lots of people I don't see enough. Feel vindictive and, later, petty for not going over to say hi to friend. Attempt to defend own asshole behavior by citing business and not wanting to interrupt conversation. Feel like a complete jackass. Meet Jess. Piper and I realize we don't have our scripts with us.

5 29 PM - Pip and I ride the most daring bike ride of our lives to retrieve our scripts and a fork.

5 31 PM - Roll back in, eat and fellowship and congregate and man, these are good beans.

6 05 PM - Move on to conference room with video team. Read through scripts. Laugh and cry at how depressing the film ends. Prep. for auditions tomorrow. Begin to feel wear on mind.

7 16 PM - Take break from script editing. More caffeine.

7 31 PM - Sit at balcony with Jeremy at Mike Haley talk in Beej. Struggle to stay awake/attentive.

7 51 PM - Move to lower level, with camera and snap photos for Diamond. Get to sitting right up front center, with Linsay V., several rows ahead of everyone else.

8 46 PM - Shake speaker's hand. Thank him for coming. Ask if I can take some close-up photos. He asks if he has to look at the camera. Resist the initial impulse to say, "Hell no!" See, up close, how ragged and tired he is.

9 03 PM - See Piper, for the seventeenth time, on the way back to the Campus Center.
Goodnight Piper and Jake! Big hug and manly handshake. Student Symposium with Robert Taylor about club funding distribution.

9 24 PM - Ask, midway through working out the numbers, what Dordt clubs are, officially, supposed to exist for.

Midnight - Having have divided up clubs into categories (secret categories) leave meeting feeling good and productive and ambitious about Student Symposium with Jess and Dave, though we have not finished the task.

12 07 AM - See Mark Bylenga in Bean. Ask to speak with him sometime about Comedy League (for business purposes). Feel important. Wonder how Mark's day went. Wave to Robin in the corner. Slap roommate extraordinaire Matty's hand. Wonder how his day went.

12 29 AM - Work through another load of emails. Answer questions Kyla is asking for Diamond article about feature film.

1 16 AM - Read boggling Econ. assignment about probability and likelihood.

1 54 AM - Reply to email and do best not to be a lecturing prick to someone who happens to be younger than I, but is likely much smarter than I. And stronger.

2 01 AM - Door to lab locks and scares the shit out of my ears.

2 03 AM - Write up and print out audition sheets for actors to fill out.

2 09 AM - Realize that I'm majoring in Writing and decide to log on blog. Say "log on blog" out loud and cackle like a psychopath. Begin to lose feeling in left leg.

To: His highness, King Mohammed VI, of Morocco.
Re: The blogger in Morocco who will be in jail for two years for raising thoughts and questions on the King's policies.
Message: "[Your] charitable habits [are] encouraging a culture of dependency."

the story

-

In high school, the indications were chronic nosebleeds and an eye twitch. The left one. And when you're young enough, which is most of us, you feel angry at your body for losing, for tapping out from - damn! - high school and a job at Subway. What in the world? We should take care of ourselves, of our bodies. I know that, but I know I'm not the only angry one.
She plays soccer, and basketball. Strong. Worn leather. And a big heart of laughter and honesty. But she's falling apart physically. She has been for years now, but she still makes the team and the rigorous daily practices and I picture it like she's running towards the enemy side, screaming at the top of her lungs, and stones, spears, bullets flying at her, tearing her apart, but she trounces along. She always makes it through and destroys them, the bastards. And though I know her by her laughter, I can't imagine how angry she gets.
I noticed just a minute ago that a small tendon in my right elbow tightens at moments like these. Half past one in the morning, the looming, ominous hum of an empty computer lab, the cold, sterile feel that you only get now, deep inside in your lungs and, as Frost wrote, miles to go before I sleep.
I'd like to tell my tightening elbow, my ever bouncing legs and every person I haven't been a friend to today that I have protest. What a big day! There has never been a day as enormous as this one! The only day that comes close to this day, the only possible runner-up, as been yesterday. It was Tuesday! How can this be? I remember waking up just a few minutes ago, rubbing my eyes and cracking my back, thinking of Advanced Expository Writing. The essays that were crafted and beginning to remember what I remember of them. And now it is sixteen hours later, in an instant.
They've hinted that, as an adult, your friends become some people you used to know and you work with your friends. The people in your world are married to you, have sprung from your loins, have paid your way into maturity or work in the cubicle next to you. And while I vow to never have such a job, such an existence (not that I could get/hold one anyway) I fear my tightened fingers slipping away from yours, you who are not in my classes
or sleeping in the bunk above mine
or rotating the supper duties from day to day
or have class, conveniently, next to mine so it is inevitable that I see you.
And I miss you because we were, at one undefined time and place in our lives, such great friends. We were pals. And I remember being so thrilled when I could see that you, you too, were excited to see me!
It doesn't always move as consciously as this, but it often moves as naturally as this or perhaps even more so. My legs will bounce and my eyes will ache tomorrow. Blood will spill away and be gone from me, but the God has been gracious enough to provide more. And if he takes it away on the next day, then he takes it away on the next day. Thank you. Thank you, for the exhaustion in the meantime. But God, while I'm here, help me to cause my elbow to tighten for the goodness, and benefit, of friends with large hearts of laughter,
for those in my ever closing and shifting world,
and specially for those, for you, the somebody I used to know.

-That's Mitch Hedberg up there in triumph. OK, for those of you who don't know him you should, because I just spent fourteen minutes reading his quotes online and giggling.

-I'm partially giggling because I've been dizzy all day and, also, I'm tired. But mostly because of Mitch.

-Tomorrow... today, I learn to bake. That will definitely add to my eligibility points and my mum will be one small step closer towards grandkids. She is dreaming. Sorry ladies.

-Been watching a lot of films lately, which is a joy of irresponsible magnitude, but I've found that it is VERY difficult to craft an ending to a film. The third and final act and all that.

-Junebug. Amazing, amazing performances.

-The Royal Tenenbaums. I sing along and laugh/cry the whole time through.

-What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Such good writing.

-I lost my lens cap. Frick. And it wasn't at the info. desk lost and found, but the girl was helpful and not annoyed at all, though I imagine it was nearing the end of her shift. Also, she knew my name and I'm pretty sure we didn't shake hands, but I was rubbing my eyes earlier and my hand smelled like girl. OK, that sounds like a creepy thing to notice and blog about, but it's so completely true and Oh Man What a Distraction to my Evening Reads. Friggin' hand with girl smell on it.

-There's a lot of lady mentioning in this post...

-A bunch of athletic-looking kids had a grill party behind Covenant earlier. They drove their truck up the curb and wore cowboy hats and looked like they had a good time.

-Does anyone have a swivel chair they want to get rid of? And/or a soft bench?

-OK OK. This is a good one though. There was one part of my dream last night where my dream girlfriend, well the first one (there were TWO OF THEM! No, they were not anybody that I know in awake world. I swear.) anyway, dream girlfriend number one and I are being chased by some huge, thick-necked, unitard-sporting character... maybe her crazy old brother... but dream girlfriend number one was already like twenty-seven (this, we discussed earlier on and it was a super witty and flirty conversation... yeah, I'm pretty good at that when I'm asleep). Anyway, he's chasing us and all of a sudden, I man up and hold my ground and let him break through me all Hulk-style while dream girlfriend number one gets away. Basically, I took a charge from freaking Alan Kloosterhoff (Happy Birthday, buddy!) I remember this actually hurting me, but - this is the coolest part - like a video game, I was a awarded +5 CHIVALRY POINTS. There I lay, broken and bloody on the floor with a footprint on my face and in colorful, bold text above me shines +5 CHIVALRY POINTS! No, you don't get it. Completely worth it. Supposedly, that defeats Unitard Man because that's all I remember of him and... well, how cool is that? So, you know, expect me to award myself Chivalry Points... ladies.

-Oh hey, Lise. Helping you down the ledge after the tree house earlier today? CHIVALRY POINTS!

-Some of the reading tonight was from the Freakonomics book about incentives and crunching the numbers to basically catch cheating teachers and sumo wrestlers and office workers. It was actually very gloomy and depressing; being able to depend on society to give in to their greed and to corrupt is one of the worst things to dwell on. BUT! Paul Feldman, Socrates and Adam Smith argue that 87% of the time, society resists evil.

-Dream girlfriend number two was more my age, and she was awesome... why did I get two awesome dream girlfriends last night? It's such a stark and insulting contrast to my awake situation. Which is zero. Strange... because dream girlfriend number one and I didn't have any falling out.

-It's fun to see how many places on campus you can screen films on. How many projector-equipped rooms you can access.

-Matty says I have it bad for Norah Jones. What Matty says is right. Correctamundo.

-It should be stated here, in writing, that I feel like a total Unitard for not knowing the info. desk girl's name. Not because she distracted me with girl smell, and it's not like I even think I'm supposed to know who she is... like we've spoken before, but well come on, she was really helpful and courteous. After watching a film like What's Eating Gilbert Grape, it was really nice to speak with someone so composed and genuinely willing to help.

-Dear high school Alvin... remember when someone jokingly called those girls lesbians and they got ultra-pissed? Dude, you can call girls lesbians in college and they'll giggle and agree and brag about it. It's... its'... I don't even know how to describe it. Enjoy the prom, ya nerd.