On Christmas Day this year, my oldest brother Paul flew in to Sioux Center in the evening. My papa's birthday is the day after, on Boxing Day the 26th, but he was departing to Korea that day, so we celebrated three, maybe four, things that day. Mum didn't feel like cooking - this was an ambiguous situation. Anybody who's taken a theology class with my dad has been to our house for foods, so you know what you're missing. On the other side, this meant I got to spend a few relaxing days planning, prepping, baking and cooking. It was fun. Wheat bread, black olives, roast with red wine pan sauce, smoked gouda mashed potatoes (excellent) and stuffed mushrooms. Absolutely.
It's over now. Dad is gone, we've eaten other meals and set our minds on other things. I've been staying up late because I can, because I'm an owl like my father and because (this last one should justify it all) I've been trying to set my sleep schedule around to Philippines time. Of course, it will all be thrown off-track after 21 hours in the air. I hope I don't barf.
Yesterday, I sat with my mum in the basement and learned how to sew on buttons. I haven't seen her laugh so hard in a very long time. She was making fun of me. This is fine, I swear. I didn't prick myself once and I learned how to, though it takes a very, very long time. I'll just have to rip my shirts off more often and get more practice.
Last night I stayed up late and fought a looming sense of solitude. Everyone was sleeping, I imagine. It was almost four. I read a story by Saul Bellow, then Charles D'ambrosio, then Edward P. Jones and then a very short, very lovely piece by Rolf Yngve titled The Quail.

"The couple dressed, whispering about the bird and watching them peck breakfast from the lawn. He made coffee, warmed rolls and they ate at the kitchen table where they could watch the covey. He opened the window; they could smell the morning dampness and apple blossoms. Sun came through the window; the rolls were sweet with raisins and they did not have to say anything to each other."

Take some discretion. Be responsible. This is long and only for when you're very, very, very bored and have absolutely no drive whatsoever to use your time more wisely. Seriously, if you have it in you to go check the air pressure of the tires on your car, go do that and then get distracted doing something else. I'm not joking. This is ten pages of responding and typing - above anything, this was an exercise in getting comfortable putting my fingers on the keys and, slowly, incorporating my mind. Maybe your dog needs a bath or you feel like taking another walk or you're stranded in Omaha with a bunch of people that, at the very least, you can sit in silence with.
Otherwise, if you decide to read, stop when you feel like it. Stop when the mail comes. Stop when your toast is done. Stop when the commercials are over and Friends is back on. OK. Enough. It's out of my hands now. Enjoy.

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What holiday is closest to your birthday?
Earth day is eight days before. (That’s also Bearemy Westra’s birthday.) (EDIT - it's also Joke's birthday. hooooray!) Are there any birthdays in early May? I don’t think so.

What is your name if you spell it without the letters "e" "y" and "t"?
Alvin Shim. What a stupid question. Who comes up with this crap?

If you named a band after your birth-month and your pet, what would it be?
April Daisy… what a puke-tastic band that would be. Ha! I like this question.

Have you had your birthday yet this year?
It’s December 19, and I just said that my birth-month is April. What’s the deal? Pip, did you write these? Come on now – this was supposed to be an exercise in putting words on the screen quickly.

Where was the last place you went and why?
I returned Bridget’s car to her and she dropped me off at the library, where I ran into Piper and Jake and Matt Postma and I did research for an essay.

Do you have a twin?
I worked with a girl named Helen at Subway who told me that I totally reminded her of her brother. She loves and missed her brother so I took it as a compliment. Seriously, she told me this every freaking time we worked together. A few months ago, I ran into her on campus and she introduced me to her brother. Her brother is a Korean kid that her family adopted and he looks nothing like me. What a racist, right?

Are you afraid of shots?
Don’t make me laugh.

What color are the walls of the room you are in?
White with a very yuppie border… that’s running along the middle of the walls. I’m in the basement of my parents’ house and I’m surprised that I can write in this room.

How many letters are in your middle name?
Five. E-U-N-B-O. I guess technically, that’s my middle name. In Korean, there are five letters too. But that’s too easy. My dad was all like… “Oh, a middle name? Let’s just put his Korean name down!” and my mom was all, “Fucking right!” Meanwhile, here I am pouting and saying “I would have named [me] Kingsley if I had any say in the matter…”

Is your last name longer than 6 letters long?
Who comes up with this crap? Seriously, I want to know. No. It’s not. Any more brain busters?

If you were in an accident, would you rather lose a hand or an ear?
Oooooh. A “Would You Rather?” This is a hard one. (That’s what she said.) I’m gonna go with ear… provided I still have the hearing ability out of what would then be known as “the ugly motherfucking hole on the side of my head.” Then I could still tell from which direction people are yelling at me from.

Have you ever dyed your hair an unnatural color?
No. I’ve had it cut several times in the persuasion of a sexual preference that is unnatural. Just kidding – I don’t maintain that lesbians are unnatural. To say that would be, I think, inappropriate and disrespectful.

If a gorilla and a horse had a baby, what would the new creature be called?
Nobody could beat Piper’s answer of “Horilla, just like your mom,” so I’m going to leave this one alone.

Does anyone call you baby?
Does anyone NOT call me baby? I’m a huge flirt.

Regular Cheetos or hot?
At the moment… prolly neither as I am typing and I don’t want powder cheese all up in my laptop’s bidness. But I’m asian, so I’ll go with spicy Cheetos. Cheetos, in asian talk, is Chee-toe-suh. You cannot end on a syllable.

Favorite fruit?
At the moment… peach. Smoothie. Sometimes I answer questions like a girl.

Are you scared of spiders?
No. I’ve not problems with spiders. I used to tease ex-girlfriend about being scared of spiders. Sometimes I answer questions like a schoolyard flirt.

Do you have a piercing?
My mom would kill me. Sometimes I answer questions like a huge pansy.

Whose birthday is coming up?
My poppa’s. Mom wants to make prime rib or some other white person food, which is surprising, and we talked about that, which was really fun. Also my sister’s… which is sometime around Christmas my mom says… and… um, let’s see what facebook has to say… Oh. Lynda Kuipers has a birthday tomorrow. Happy Birthday, Lynda!

Do you like roller coasters?
Is this a sexual question? Sometimes I answer questions like a dude in college.

Do you have a tattoo?
No, I should right? Tattoo on the lower back. Might as well be a bull’s eye. My brother and I went to see that movie seven times in the theatres. Ladies, be willing to laugh at that movie. Just a little tip. (TWSS)

What is wrong with you right now?
Other people are taller and other things that I’m not, or not enough. Bastards.

Do you care what others think about you?
Bridget and I were talking about this the other day… and the answer is yes, to some extent. I care about my friends and I try to be someone that they’re proud to know, that they can say, “Yeah, that guy’s my friend,” and so forth. And I know what/who I am – I’m very critical of myself, but it’s according to my standards, and I try to be deliberate about what I do and that generally has a higher standing than what other people think. I mean, I’m interested in seeing what my friends think of me because they’re my friends and it’s good to have a different perspective, for the sake of accountability or discussion or whatever, but… I guess the short answer is that I know who I am and I know what I’m trying to do.

Do think you'll be married in 10 years?
By the time I’m thirty? Listen lady, I don’t even know what TOMORROW will bring. I have other things I would rather think about.

Are you afraid of the dark?
Shit no. I like to scare people. Have you seen my Stanley Kubrick face? It’s amazing. Right, ladies?

Do you like your life at the moment?
I do. Very much so. There’s much to be thankful for and the snow is astounding. I feel for my friends who are stranded in airports or in dinky towns or whatever, but that’s a journey that I would gladly take myself. I’m happy that they got to experience it. Omaha overnight with forty Dordt people that you don’t necessarily hang out with a lot? That’d be fun, I think.

Where were you last night?
Dark room developing negatives and smelling coffee beans and having conversations that are allowed now that the semester is winding down. Then the brick house. Then my parents’ house.

What kind of shirt are you wearing?
A Free Palestine shirt that Joel Veldkamp got me from his semester in Egypt, Turkey, Jordan, Jerusalem etc. It’s all cotton and Jake Kroeze was flipping out about it. It feels nice. Thanks again, Joel.

Are you any good at math?
I’m actually really great at math. I scored the highest on the math section on the ACTs. Like, astoundingly high. Isn’t that weird?

What is an important date out of the year for you?
This seems like a loaded question. Is this a loaded question? I don’t know. This year? December 30 is pretty important ‘cause that’s when we take off for the Philippines.

Last thing received in the mail?
A reimbursement check from Dordt and Gourmet magazine. It made me want to cook and then write about cooking and then to cook with other people, and then to write about that.

Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
On voicemails? I left a very bitter and emotional one on Danielle Roos’ yesterday. It was pretty fun, and we worked it out today. Rollercoaster, right? Chicks, man.

What is out your back door?
Poop. Hehe! But seriously folks… out my back door is my back yard.

Any plans for Friday night?
Right now is Friday night. I’m going to finish this thing, transcribe a recording onto Word, go have Larva cut my hair, enjoy fellowship, come back and kick out a family essay and then finalize a profile that I just finished a draft of before this, then finalize the family essay, THEN I’ll read and respond to sermons of John Donne. It’s been a good day. Not even joking, I really enjoy academics.

Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn?
My family has a long time ago. They’re so hedonistic, aren’t they? Wow.

Something you are excited about?
Uganda coffee that Bridget gifted to me. It has tones of dark chocolate and ripe fruit and, when I had it for the first time, I yelled at her over the phone, “This is the best coffee ever!” If you’re in town, come over and we’ll have some. It’s delicious. Bailey, it’s comparable to your Smokey Row crap. It’s on.

Describe your keychain...
It’s a blue lanyard from my old church in Grand Rapids where my oldest brother is still at and, weird, he’s the youth pastor at now. It says, “Hahn-in CRC of Grand Rapids.” I love my brother and the congregation there. Really, I do. But I get a bad taste in my mouth when I think of Korean churches. It’s something I shouldn’t stray from, I know. But I’m not motivated to join a Korean congregation anytime in the future.

Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
In the apartment, with my roommate, we close the door. Yeah, I think I generally close the door, but I can sleep anywhere. I slept on the couch last night, like a freaking log.

What kind of bottoms are you wearing?
Blue jeans. They’re pretty reliable – I have three (or is it four) pairs of jeans that I rotate around, but I should really look into getting other pants.

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Piper said yes. I don’t know what this question means, or what her answer implies. Sioux Center? Leave Dordt? Now? It might be in my best interest to take a year off of academics to teach English with my brother (if he ends up doing that, and I want to do that with him. David just graduated from Michigan State business school with a finance degree and he can’t find a job.) I just spoke with Bethany Schuttinga today, at some length, about the advantages Sioux Center has. The short is, I can move somewhere else and I think it’s crucial to leave Sioux Center. At the same time, I don’t think it’s the end of the world to come back. For the record, I don’t think I will.

Can you live a day without TV?
I don’t depend on TV, bitch. There aren’t a lot of things that I need on a daily basis. And I like challenges.

Would you ever become a vegetarian?
On the one hand, becoming a vegetarian has potential for enormous health benefits. There are, when it’s done right, and please calm down. And when you think about what to eat as a vegetarian, you might end up eating a lot of other foods that you normally wouldn’t because it seems a lot of Iowan meals revolve around some sort of animal flesh. If you don’t restrict your food in that way, then you eat other kinds of food and, let’s be honest, you generally eat healthier if this occurs. Flip side, I’ve heard of idiots who try going without meat for a set amount of time and end up eating cereal for a week. (I love cereal.)
I can’t think of many foods I don’t like. I love food. I’ll eat anything and there aren’t many foods that I think are “wrong” to eat. Maybe there are, but I’m not really thinking too hard about it right now. To answer the question, no.

Have you ever been around someone who was high?
Not that I’ve been aware of. My brother used to talk about when he would get high in Michigan, but he never brought any back with him. Jerk.

What color cell phone do you have?
Gray, but who the fuck cares?

Are you right or left handed?
Right for most things, like writing and racquetball and golf but left for hockey. Isn’t that messed up?

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Like in Big Fish, Ewan McGregor was freaking invincible because he knew when he was going to die. In that sense, it would be great to live life that fearlessly, but I don’t think we’re meant to live that fearlessly. I think we are meant to live fearlessly in a sense, but I guess what I mean is that there should be room for faith in what we don’t know will happen. I like the uncertainty of life as it is now.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
I love hot sauce.

Mood?
A little buzzed from several cups of Uganda dark chocolate/ripe fruit coffee. My feet are cold.

Listening to?
NPR’s All Songs Considered. A live Iron & Wine concert that I forgot I had on my iPod. They ended with Flightless Bird, American Mouth and encored with Naked As We Came. Gosh. There are some things that you cannot escape. And, listening to this, Chuck, we should record a radio session soon.

Worrying about?
Has everyone got home safe? Am I going to finish the things I need to finish to pass the classes I need to pass?

Do you smile often?
I’m very blessed in how much I enjoy the people I enjoy, so yes. When I’m alone, and reading or cooking or thinking or listening to music etc., I still smile but it’s not as… I guess it’s not as constant.

Where is your cell phone?
A few inches from my hands. Betsy said the other day that she didn’t believe I didn’t see that she called because I always have my phone with me, and she was right. I do always have my freaking phone with me. I did, by the way, see that someone was calling, but I didn’t have her room number in my contacts and I was already talking to Val who had made it home safely.

Your hair?
Recently cleared/ravaged of the emo bangs last night. I couldn’t take all that emotion in my eyes anymore – it was getting in the way of my focus, so I hunched down over the waste basket with a pair of scissors and, catharsis!, clipped those fuckers off. I don’t think it looks horrible, actually, but like I said, Larva will fix them in a little bit.

Your mother?
Upstairs, with sixty white hairs less than she had an hour ago, and still one of the classiest, funniest persons I know. I love my mother unapologetically. Most of my friends do too.

Your father?
He just got home, from furiously grading shit at the end of the semester. One of the best professors I’ve ever had. And, he’s really funny too.

Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Twenty-six? Trying something out without any reservations. Still asking questions.

Is there anyone you want to fight?
“I went out into the night, I went out to pick a fight!” Yeah, a lot of my friends say ridiculous things and sometimes I say, “Joel, we’re going to fight after this. After we have coffee, we’re going to fight.” It’s not always Joel, but you understand what I mean. No, I don’t really want to fight Joel (physically) but we talk often and it is always great. I like confrontations.

What are you doing tomorrow?
My family’s going to Sioux City so I can, and must, spend the day reading and writing. It will be beautiful, working at my own pace and in an empty house.

Who were you with last night?
This is such a girl-roommate question. Mind yo’ business, ho!
I was with the groomsmen fellas, and a fiancé, and a girlfriend. Then with Bridget and darkroom chemicals. Then with Bridget, Dee, Ross, Scotterson, Bearemy, Lisa, Larva and, briefly, Andrew Kroeze.

Are you married?
As a friend of mine said, “I have too much fun flirting.” This was not said in the context of marriage, nor do I think this in the context of marriage, but no, I’m not married.

Do you wish at 11:11?
I wish at 12:34. It was one of the super cute things ex-girlfriend extraordinaire and I used to do.

Next vacation you're going on?
Who the flip knows? A road trip somewhere?

Have you told anyone a secret in the past week?
I tell secrets constantly. I guess they’re not secrets at all then, but I’m okay with that. They’re mine to tell.

Could you date someone taller than you?
Am I willing to? Yeah, I did (by a little bit). Am I able to? Not really, I guess.

How do you feel about the person who texted you last?
My brother went out to drop off my sister at the video store, then a friend’s house and then he went to the REC center. He texted me this, “Did Grace call? Jinny is taking forever.” Grace Jeong, organist-at-large, is stranded in Chicago airport and we’re worried about her. Jinny is my sister. I called him back.

Ring ring.

David: Yo, I’m roaming.

Me: Yeah, I have limited texting.

David: OK. But I’m roaming.

Me: I guess we’re even then, bitch.

David: Allright, fine. See you later.

Me: Wait. Wait. Wait.

David: What?

Me: …what’s going on, man?

It was pretty fun.

Who was the last person you threw out of your life?
That’s not how I roll. Or, rather, people have been good to me.

What are you going to do after this?
Transcribe and get my hair cut, then write and edit and write and edit. And drink more coffee.

Do you believe in magic?
There are two s’s in Meissner. And no, I do not.

What do you normally eat at lunch?
There is no normally with the things I eat.

What color do you wear the most?
My glasses are fading, but they were red. And blue jeans.

Do people annoy you?
Don’t people annoy everybody? I don’t really associate with annoying people.

Do you annoy people?
Yeah, probably. Everybody plays the bodbook game, right?

Spandex or jeans?
I’m getting tired and this is a dumb question.

When did you last leave the state?
Just a few days ago – I went with Paul H to take Christina and Jessica Beimers to Sioux Falls airport. That was fun.

If you had to speak another language, what would it be?
Instead of English? Spanish.

Bubble bath or car wash?
Right now? Bubble bath.

Would you go out with someone for money?
I’m horrible with money – chances are I’d just end up spending it all on some chick… so this is a crafty question for me. Go out? What does that even mean?

What are you doing at 2:00 on Thursday’s?
Why is there an apostrophe on Thursdays? Oh, I get it. On should be at and Thursday’s is a bar. I guess I’m going to wish I were 21 at 2:00 at Thursday’s.

What’s your favorite nighttime activity?
Cooking leisurely and then hookah.

If your best friend won a million dollars, what would you say?
“Heyyyy best friend!”

Your slogan/motto?
“No excuses. Play like a champion.” And, “Heyyoooo!” with rabid hand movements.

Have you had alcohol this past week?
Yes.

Are you happy with life?
The girl who’s done with her semester and is marrying Jacob Kroeze answered “meh,”to this question. Are you kidding me, Piper?
Yes, I am.

Could you cry right now?
I can’t remember the last time I cried. It’s a real problem and I’m going to lose it soon and it will be just outrageous. I’m listening to Radiohead’s Bodysnatchers now… so no. Probably not.

What were you doing this morning at 7am?
Sleeping on the couch two feet in front of me.

What do you need to be doing right now?
Right here, typing and reacting and responding.

Is there anything silver near you?
No. Are there any interesting questions where you are Nina, you stupid hoe-bag? (I’m calling the creator of stupid questions Nina, the stupid hoe-bag.)

What were you doing at 1 AM this morning?
Sitting on a couch with two ladies. That’s right.

Do you wear contacts?
I will fight you, Nina. And no.

Who's house were you at last?
My parents. Before that, Deemela and Paul K’s.

What color shirt were you wearing when your last kiss took place?
Uhhh… I kissed my mum today and I was wearing my Bring the Noise! shirt. That’s kind of funny.

What color shirt was the person you kissed wearing?
Pink – for as much as she hates girly girls, she really wears a lot of pink. Isn’t that funny?

Song playing right now?
The song JUST ended. The next on the album is Nude. This is the song that Bailey labeled The Little Mermaid song because of the last vocal. God, I love this album.

What were you doing an hour ago?
Writing a profile about Helen van Beek.

Do you wear the seat belt in the car?
Usually, but only to set an example. (Joking.)

Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else?
My dad was just saying that he met with Pastor Mark Verbruggen earlier this week and he called my dad Alvin. Then I said that when I’m in class with Dr. Dengler, she calls me Jay. We both agreed that she is one hell of a professor. And then I remembered one time that Carl Zylstra called me Kevin.

What's something you really want right now, be honest?
To sit on the couch with two ladies again. Ha. No, I really want to work on my writing and I’m sort of doing that, I’m preluding a long night of writing attempts and… I really want… a lot of things that I won’t go into here. Let’s keep this moving.

Do you like to text or call more?
I like calling because I have limited texting and I’ve seen what unlimited texting does to you, but I like texting because I find I laugh A LOT when I read text messages… I mean, I laugh a lot all the time, but I often do the big “HA!” when I read texts.

What's the closest blue object to you?
A mechanical pencil. Nina, you should consider changing careers. Keep being a stupid hoe-bag if you wish, but maybe you go to night school for something?

Do you like the color orange?
I like oranges, which are orange, with Betsy, who is terrific.

Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else?
I’m going to sound like a liar, but I imagine I used to wish that but I don’t remember any specific time that I felt that way. And I know I hardly ever feel that way now. Someone I know once said, “I think I’m pretty kick ass.” She said this more than three years ago, and I think about it quite often. Like I said, I like who I am and who I’m trying to be.

Who did you last talk to on the phone?
Larva, about plans tonight. It was weird talking on the phone to her, but it was fun.

Where will you be in a hour?
Will I be done with this? I’ll be transcribing forty minutes of conversation that I recorded earlier of my family at the dinner table. I’m really excited about it because it’s hilarious and it’s beautiful, the themes we touch, the pacing of the conversations. Really, it’s great. I think I might upload it for Paul to hear. Really, it’s just marvelous.

What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
When I kissed my mom? I was on my way out the door and she told me to drive safely and she was being wonderful and calm and youthful.
The last “kiss” I had? Well, I kissed a few people in love but the last kiss I “shared” which might be what you’re getting at was with Renae, my ex-girlfriend and, then, girlfriend, and I present-tense love her and it was a long time ago. We broke up around this time last year, and hadn’t shared any kisses near the end so I really don’t remember.

When was the last time you danced with a boy/girl?
We had impromptu prom a few weekends ago at the brick house. I shared a lovely slow dance with Betsy. Gosh, I’m a lucky guy.
Also, I dance with my dog quite often. But there’s nothing slow about those dances.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
Around 4 30 AM. I wasn’t sleepy.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a J?
Jeremy, Jacob… uhh… some Koreans probably… I’m an affectionate dude.

Who's the last person to send you a myspace message?
Myspace!? Nina, I’m going to fight you.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Couched it.

Ever kissed anyone 18 or older?
I’m not even going to answer these dumb questions anymore. I’m just going to say random things. I like thin-crust pizza.

Have you held hands with anyone in the past week?
As I said, I’m an affectionate dude… so, yes.

Do you like to cuddle?
I only know of… three people that I care about who aren’t affectionate, and of those three, TWO of the don’t like to cuddle. I do. I’m somewhat picky about who I cuddle with, but there’s a large circle of people that I would be down for holding or cuddling with.

What are your plans for the next weekend?
After Christmas? Prep. for Philippines, reading a lot, watching a lot of films and going to the REC with my brothers.

Did you ever lose a friend?
I hesitate about the phrasing. I’ve lost touch with some friends and sometimes it makes me sad, but not usually because that’s how it goes and it goes on. I’ve had some conflicts and confrontations with friends, but I still consider them to be friends and I would still do anything for them though we don’t really hang out anymore.

Are you someone's best friend?
Yep. It’s very encouraging and I find that it makes me happy.

Do you have a dog?
Yep. She loves fast dancing and she’s a yipper and fat and spoiled and loud and insane, but I love her and it’s unchristian how our entire family fawns over her. She has an ear infection and she’s been a bit low-key today, but she’s our dog, and we love her. I hope you feel better, Daisy. Please stop barking at the mailman.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Dordt wants me to pay to get in my apartment over break. Not a huge deal, just an inconvenience. I don’t like packing to go down the street over break. I hate packing.

Have you spoken to your mother today?
Fuckin’ right I did. Don’t tell her I said that.

What color is your hair?
Black.

Have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn't?
Have I ever crushed on someone? The last time was on Carmela Vanderploeg, and that’s completely understandable. It’s probably expected even. Am I right, fellas? That was, as crushes go, when I didn’t know who she was and now I do and she’s lovely. Do I still crush on her? Maybe!

Do you want any piercings?
My feet are still cold and my mom is going to sleep. It’s just after 10 PM and, on the one hand, I think it’s funny that’s she acts like she’s older than she is, but it’s a little concerning sometimes because I don’t want her to age or slow down or decline at all. When I was younger, she used to say (in Korean) that mothers don’t die.

Do you drink water?
“not really..... i don't like it” That’s what Piper said. What the heck are you saying? How do you not like drinking water?

Does the last person you hugged make you happy?
My mum? Yep.
My initial thought reaction was that any hug makes me happy, but then I remembered a bad hug I had right before Thanksgiving break this year. It was shattering. I rarely have bad hugs. I mean, who gives bad hugs? But they exist, you know? It’s all conservative and half-assed (not literally, though a literal full-assed hug is just marvelous) and, really, I would rather go without it. A bad hug from someone you don’t want to hug is expected, but this hug was definitely with someone that I would like to hug. It was a goodbye hug, and maybe there was some awkward factor involved (very likely, there was) but the point is… wow. That sucked.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
I honestly believe I could. In the same vein, I really like smoking.

Are you mean?
In the way that I get hit on the arm a lot.

How many kids do you want to have?
Several.

Are you afraid to grow up?
I don’t know that I am growing up all that much.

What woke you up this morning?
My mom, telling me to go shovel the driveway with my dad and brother. I was not happy. I’m not a morning person. But we had seventeen inches of fluffy snow last night and I don’t know very many other times when it’s more satisfying to be outside.

Do you miss your past?
I love my past. I love to revisit it with conversations and music and actually going back to the physical locations, it’s haunting and wrenching, but it is what it is and there’s right now and there’s the immediate future and there are people in my life now that I would do anything for.

Honestly, if you could go back 5 months and change something would you?
Five months ago was July. I don’t know that I would be able (not willing) to change anything. If I could visit myself back then, I’d ask me to be a better worker at the garden, but I don’t know that I would listen. It’s not a fair question – I know more now. I’ve been told things like “You should have” done this or that back at this time or that, and if the question is whether I would listen and do that, then I would. But it didn’t make any sense at the time.

syllabus

I like literature because I like stories and, perhaps more honestly, I'm greedy. My red desk is cluttered with texts and essays of criticism and other necessary materials to affirm that the idea of an anthology is beautiful. I like literature because it's meditative and a social act and often I am whispered things that are so terrible and wonderful that they have to be whispered often and repeatedly.

---

In my dream, the nights were warmer and less angry. We were out on the soft lawn, not saying much, and watching the sky slowly grow dim. I turned over to look at you (you had said something ridiculous) and, from behind you, a hunched shadow was creeping towards you. A hunter, a predator, placing its steps in a straight line and poised to fly at any moment. "Don't turn around," I said and reached over to come between you and the shadow. The shadow pounced. It sank its teeth in my arm, gnashing and expelling curses. Blood flying up in the moonlight, I flung it to the ground and kicked it repeatedly in the neck, hearing a sick and horrible thump every time. It was the size of a child old enough to run and jump and shout insults at other children in the schoolyard but, this may be the oddest part of the dream, it looked like a rabbit. And rabbits are adorable and genial and nobody has it in their heart to hate (or fear) a rabbit... except for the most heartless people of all, gardeners. A vicious, bloodthirsty, larger-than-normal rabbit and my arm was torn to pieces, drenched in dark blood and my heel was pressed down at its throat. It struggled and kicked and continued to hiss profane words at me, as I forced myself to watch its life drain away. What did it say? Something terrifying and primal - I can't say specifically.
We found where they came from a few moments later. My arm was bandaged, I had a large and very heavy sword with me. Several others did as well. Still more had flashlights. We were to work in teams. Two flashlighters to a swordsman (or swordswoman) and find their eggs (demon rabbits coming from large, keg-sized eggs... go with it) hidden around the BJ Haan. We worked frantically. They were quickly hatching, springing from their birth immediately to feed a primal hunger for destruction. Slash! Slash! It was horrible and we performed our tasks openly weeping, the flashlighters standing aghast from a safe distance. They were attacked often, and we defended them as best we could.
There was no way to tell if we had gotten them all, but we stopped together (there were maybe two hundred of us in all) and we didn't know where to look. We all stood , finding reasons to shield our eyes as every part of the building, and ourselves, were covered in blood. We had no tears left to expel. The job was done but the building was one of irreversible silent horror. We couldn't look at each other, we couldn't speak and we silently left our swords and flashlights behind. I think we would have burned the building down and had never returned to Sioux Center if we had the choice but the dream ended there, with our exit, and I can't tell you why or what.

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Someone has my Magnolia dvd. Please return it soon, I'd like to view it.

The lives we lead are indications of who we are. Now, some of you may question this idea of our existence as a friend of mine did late one evening, with that day's filming winding down, with his one (small) dailiy meal in his belly, and his first glass of wine in hand. "Alvin, Alvin, Alvin..." He said this frantically, as if he had indispensable information to relay - something about the settings on the camera or a continuity threat, I thought. I asked the actors and crew to relax for a few minutes and walked over. He looked horrible, with crayon-purple lines under his eyes, his skin was almost green. "Are we... what we do or do we do who we are...?"

I think I've found a mentor. She briefly relayed her life story with me. She listened. She didn't nod when it wasn't necessary and, help me, she reassured me, maybe without even trying, that it's under control. "God is a God of control," and we shouldn't stop making plans because of that.

Anyway - there's the Christmas banquet going on and I'm in the library, with a decent handful of other students. They're working and studying and writing, stacks of books next to their keyboards, shoes flung off long ago and shoulders hunched over in immobility. I'm honored to be here working, still, among them and to everyone at the dance with their friends, I hope they have a terrific time.

The lives we lead are indications of who we are... and, while we don't always have control over the opportunities we have, we ultimately make the decision of whether to take them or not. Even if, say, some high school senior's parents "make" him/her enroll at Dordt. Even then, of course, there is the decision to be forced.

Time will tell, but I wish I had a council of the things I fill my life with - said council would have an accurate and diverse understanding of my character, strengths, weaknesses abilities etc. Why's that? It would be fun, wouldn't it? Why not? And also, it'd be useful to have an objective view of where my strengths are. And since none of you gave me any guidanace or thoughts, whatsoever, of what I could pursue... well, here we are. What's good and bad? Blogger has an anonymous feature on the comments, if you prefer. Please enjoy.

What do we owe our friends and/or family? Gratitude and love and willingness to listen, sure. If you say so. But, to most anyone who is reading this, you don't owe me anything... or I may also say that in this way: You never have to answer to me. You never have to explain or defend yourself to me. All of that, including the action of loving or listening to me, is your prerogrative. I'm your friend and/or brother and I'll never expect the right to have you tell me things or report to me or, say, feel guilty/ashamed to tell me things (even if they have to do with me). Of course there are times when I'd love to know things, to listen to you etc. but I won't be expecting it; we're all allowed our secrets, aren't we? We're allowed to react and respond how we wish, aren't we?

It's at a point in the semester when fun and relaxation and conversation takes a small, humbling step down and academia nods understandingly to take a step up. So there was no party last night - Friday night. There was quietly focused reading, a review of the layout for photo book and moments of theme consideration for a paper that is now past the due date. (Yes, there was time spent with friends in an apt. but it was sober and somewhat brief and - screw you - very, very, very fun. And, anyway, I came back and read some more.)
So after that evening at the end of this week, I dreamt of a cross-country road-trip, casually picking up and dropping off various people along the way, riding in an old VW bus and, somehow, I spent most of the driving time outSIDE of the bus (sticking head out the window, surfing on the roof, on a red wagon getting dragged by the rope tied to the back bumper etc.) And you were there, and you were there and so forth. The last thing before I woke up to a house of cute Korean girls asking me what I wanted for breakfast was

We had stopped for a meal together. There were, at this point in the trip, almost twenty of us. It may have been a rest area because that would explain the picnic tables. There were two of them and the rest of us were eating on top of the bus. Eight at the big table, six at the other and six more on the bus. While places were set and food was brought out, I tried to get a portrait of everyone at that point. I was shooting with film and it was early evening (in the summer) so the sun was low, but still bright, and shadows were strong.
I hate the idea of posed photographs - portraits, senior pictures, the majority of facebook smiles and all that. Smile! Say Cheese! 1,2,3! Mostly because a lot of these planned smiles look the same so, say you look through someone's facebook and see that the person is with different people, at different places but, often times, the smile is the exact same. It's static, and creepy.
I didn't have to say this in the dream - I don't think I would have, now that I think about it - but I didn't want to document that this person was on the trip. Each person had a different reaction to the energy of the trip, and to everyone else in the group, and the location was new and visually interesting (the corrugated sides of the van, the textures of the worn picnic tables, handing plates up to the roof of the van).
But sometimes people take direction very, very well and you can tell them specifically what you want in the photograph. Other times, you want THEM and, in order to get that, you have to make them comfortable with the camera there pointing at them. And you have to know exactly when to release the shutter, considering the composition of the frame and the lighting and...

My point is, let's go on a road trip. Also, I'm looking forward to the Philippines.

OK. Back to work.

For Laura Mac, in response to her post, and to everybody else who [often] falls into hopelessness and despair.


Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridge to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on the stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is

-W. S. Merwin