Mr. Tambourine Man

Maybe a big part of my motivation/functioning/depression problem is that I haven't established an efficient workspace. I'm in the lab downstairs in the dormhall that I hate. I should ask Jake if he wants to take a shot at fixing my laptop. One of the more significant, reocurring day dreams I have is, I suppose, for a workspace-type region, a location that I frequent and can handle writing, photo, hold my books and dvds and play my music, keep tea plants and burn incense. It's in my head, rearranging itself constantly, but it's beautiful.

To-do lists are great. Even the ones for specific days that plan out the obligatory tasks one must satisy. Betsy and I are compiling a to-do list for life and it makes me ambitious and restless in a good way. We send the paper back and forth during philosophy - I promise to put it on here sometime soon.

My brother called me a few days ago while I was napping. I should get back to him, but I don't really like talking on the phone with my brothers because they like to tell me what my situation is or what I need to do. Aside from that, it's always a very rushed conversation. Another person to write to. The legions of women reading this blog are thinking that that is typical man behavior... they may be right. I suppose it is a feminine desire of mine to have a conversation with someone where both sides listen but to hell with feminine/masculine labels; this is basic human communication. It is that he wants me to be well and that he feels like he knows what I'm going through or that he wants to provide support and a solution for me, his younger brother. Honestly, you'd think that he would realize that it only frustrates and discourages me when he gives such a succinct answer. What I think when he does this is, "Okay, you aren't really taking this seriously... so I'm going to start nodding now..." I hope he's doing well.

I think I'm going to develop rolls of film by twos instead of by fours or sixes. I really need to pay closer attention to the temperature of the chemicals - for the small town project, I guess the temp. varied pretty harshly between developer, stop wash, fix etc. and the grain was pretty visible on the prints, even on the small one of the kid posing next to his car. I mean, I deliberately made a smaller print of that to avoid compromising the clarity. Elbert said it might be my camera. Doug said it was the developing temperatures. I hope it's not the camera.
Apparently, at the Omaha camera show, you can get a complete darkroom outfit for $100. Seriously? My gosh. This whole aspiration to be poor but writing and taking photos and owning part of a gallery with my commune is getting closer to a reality. This is going to happen.

I'm banned from DordtTalk... but there is a thread going on that someone I dislike and do not respect started. About Nickelback and how she likes Nickelback, unashamedly, and wants to discuss why a lot of people don't like Nickelback. She misspelled Nickelback and, in explaining why she likes them, she cited that she enjoys their sound. I hate her and she is dumb. She also claims to have an eclectic taste in music and to enjoy music in general.
You can't claim to be eclectic while liking a few random bands of different genres... well, I guess you can in the general definition of eclectic.
How about this? You can't claim to care about and enjoy music generally if you don't give at least a little thought to all aspects of a song/band (lyrics, melody, instrument, originality, production, energy etc.). If you say you appreciate a band (and seriously enjoy music) and the reason being that you like their sound, I'm not going to take you seriously.

I'm all friggin' for people liking different bands/genres but you should at least be able to discuss and back up your repertoire if you claim to like music, generally. And if you get your ass handed to you in rebuttal, you shouldn't get mad and stop talking. It doesn't take a lot of ingenuity and effort to make pleasing sounds but pleasing sounds aren't always music.

That said, I think I should state that I do appreciate pop music... a lot of pop music actually. This is a big discussion; it is bigger than myself.

Quick Question

OK. Michael Bay sucks... and the elaboration that will follow has to do with the entire genre of filmmaking. For a preface, go to his info on imdb and scroll down to the forum where people are all, "I don't care that his films have shitty dialogue and story and character! Plots be damned! They are good, American entertainment! Just look at how rich he is!" It makes me sick.

Finding Neverland has some really word colors, choppy editing and not the best shots - but it is one of my favorite films.

Adaptation. Nicolas Cage is two-fold in Adaptation. Huh? BUT, try and believe me, he is awesome in it. And so is Meryl Streep and Chris Cooper. I should just be able to say Chris Cooper and it would justify the brilliance of the film, but it is a great film in itself... because of originality, acting, Kaufman, Jonze etc.

The question is, because a lot of you have voiced that you'd rather keep a lid on my cynical/condescending/arrogant/nit-picking/critical reviews on films and music and lifestyle... should I make a separate blog fo' this?

Been working for the church while my life falls apart

This is... complete hypocrisy when I say this...
but I'd like to encourage everyone with a blog to

1)write more
2)to write without fear
3)to write with your voice, because no one else can say what you are thinking

No, I don't plan on being an English teacher because I don't think I could say this to a classroom full of kids with a straight face, day after day. I'll leave that to professionals like Hazeu.

Writing is a tough, effing deal. When was the last time you tried to free write? When was the last time you tried creation at all? It's difficult! It's always difficult! (But I suppose the difficulty is somewhat pending upon your personal expectations.)

I can't do it.

Wait yes I can. I've been attempting it for years and years. Some years were more productive than others - sure. But there are some things that I'm really proud about writing.
I get excited about writing sometimes, like I get excited when I think about printing a negative after seeing it for the first time when the fix is all washed off, when the viewfinder of the camera places a clean and well-thought out composition and the footage is finally captured so the sequence is mentally pieced together.
I usually get excited about writing because I read good writing.

I can't do it.

I don't know what to do, what I should do or if I'm doing what I am currently doing (a lot of nothing and freaking the fuck out) is for the right reason... or if it is a direct result of my tendency to hate humanity, love and myself.

But I think I have a good idea what love is. And I think I love humanity and myself enough to be humble and recognize that I (me, Alvin) is not a big deal at all
and
at the same time
I know that they love me.

I'm always okay. Maybe there are times when I wish I were doing better, but I'm always okay.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. Aren't we all?

Your turn;
Am I something of an island?
Why does/did Mrs. Krygsman think I was cocky?

I wonder if anyone I know will be at breakfast...

I also wonder:

-if it is 5 44 AM here in NW Iowa, and, it being mid/late November, it tends to get dark right around 5 30 PM... what time the sunrise will be

-how effin' cold it will be

-whether my roommate worries on mornings like these that he wakes up without me sprawled on the couch (I sleep on the couch or the hammock, more the couch lately because of the late nights and the cold)

-if I can stay awake... today.

I think I'd be okay with eating alone... I might prefer it? Especially for breakfast, but I think the best situation would be to have breakfast with someone terrific but to eat and sit in silence (mostly).

OK. I'm in the process of pulling an all-nighter but I'm going to share some thoughts about dreams. They've always been significantly fascinating to me-both because they are so elusive in recollection, form and study and because they are, at the same time, so vivid and powerful - as if even the most cliche plots and worst actors could draw your heart in... every night. I have considered before that they may very well be a string of sub-conscious repressed thoughts that get to play once your guard is let down. Thank you Freud and those influenced by Freud. However... could it be perhaps that in addition to/contrary to that theory, that though we don't always realize or acknowledge our dreams, that they play a key role to our behavior and reality once we wake up? Are we at our most emotionally and psychologically vulnerable when we are in REM? Maybe God (and I wouldn't put it past him/her) actually is sovereign over every aspect of our being. I'm thinking of the movie Signs here and the idea that there is no coincidence, no randomosity... that every roll of the dice, every hair that falls from our heards... and every sequence of events that befall us in our sleep is a significant... speck, at least, of our existence.
Note: I really hate the movie The Butterfly Effect, but I suppose it has some domain in this brooding vomit.
Psychology really does interest me... do I obtain the capacity to explore it? Is my mental disposition worthy of such a tedious and significant study?

"Significant study? Compared to what, Alvin? Compared to what?"

Well, that's a whole different post isn't it?

Which reminds me... Piper/Joel/PaulK, get moving on that DordtTalk alternative, will you?

One last question in humility... How do you go about _______ __ ____ ____ ____________?

Do you know where I was at your age?

When my dad was in college, he maintained a GPA of at least 3.7 and up.
He also worked when he wasn't in class or studying. He didn't have his parents pay his way. He didn't receive half tuition because HIS dad was a prof.

I'm not saying I regret quitting the theater because, and hear me if you will, Fridley Theatres (based mostly in Iowa and South Dakota and surrounding states) is a horribly managed chain. Family owned means incompetent employers and paying their workers below minimum wage for seven months... and counting.

I just spent four hours in the darkroom.
Before that, I was discussing music and literature.
Before that, I was studying philosophy (Plato, Aristotle, Bavinck).
Before that, I had practice for chapel.
Before that, I was editing videos for this weekend.
Before that, I took Renae to the hospital.
Before that, I had class.
Before that, I had another class.
Before that, I felt like I should start the day but suffered a severe lack of motivation...

and now, at 5:20 in the morning, while still unprepared for my day, I feel great to be alive. Yes, I'm tired... and I should keep reading both philosophy (for the test tomorrow) and Hamlet (for my first class tomorrow).

I keep being approached for what I've been saying on DordtTalk. DordtTalk is our campus online forum for discussion. I had forgotten about it until Student Forum considered removing it... for various reasons. Yes, that happens sometimes.

My car can't drive for more than ten minutes at a time.
Renae's car can't drive... at all... because of me.
My computer is in repair in Sioux Falls... I cannot obtain it.
...I think we'll be okay though. The thing to say here would be, "At least we have our health," but remember what I said about taking Renae to the hospital? That was to draw blood so they could run tests and figure out what's wrong with her. At least we have... the care to freak out over such things.

I know I've been a liar and I know I've been a fool

OkOkOk... a night of sitting on the floor and, again, catching up so brilliantly
-so easily-
and then braving the cold and the wind outside, scrawling messages with shaking fingers...
that shifted into a glass of wine, a cupcake and more biographicals and ideas...

"Our beliefs change to fit our actions when it should be the other way around."

...right? Oh man. You're right. Is what I said.
Well, maybe not completely but it could so easily be correct. We were discussing how our views change from when we first learn about things to now, when we do things.

"I will NEVER..." turns into "I enjoy it every once in a while..."

+

I went to the Tyler James concert tonight... there are too many stories to pick just one right now. And my eyelids are powerful beasts.
"It's just weird, you know?"
Yeah...