varying degrees of light

I didn't want to tell everybody that I saw or write an article and send it to the denis website people, like I suspect some people have... and it made me sick. But I've told my parents and my roommate and the people we had over for dinner that night... and I showed Mel the letter because she happened to be around when I opened it. The Briar Cliff Review is more known for their short stories and poetry - their art is sometimes pretty interesting, but their photography hasn't really been too impressive. So, because of that, this really isn't too big a deal... but it's still pretty cool, I think. They chose one of my photos for the Spring 2008 issue. Our Advanced Photo class last semester all turned in two photos and I think two other guys got their stuff chosen as well. I think I have to print, mat and frame the shot I took and deliver it to the Sioux City Art place... oh shoot, I have to email "biographical information" to them also. I don't know. It's not a huge deal, but it's a bit exciting that it happened and that I'll get to see my photo in a publication. I put the news in the middle of this surprisingly large paragraph so only my stalkers will know. Yay!

I've been singing (Antichrist Television Blues) in my head for about three days straight. The above paragraph and a lot of other good things have been happening lately but there are times during the day, whether I'm in class, walking outside somewhere, or with people and I'll get the sense that I'm unhappy. For the general moment, I guess. Again, not a big deal. And I'm pretty sure this isn't a plea for attention but it's what's going on and I think a good amount of my peers share this general gray feeling. There are some people that I miss even though I've seen them lately. It's feeble and demanding to expect students with a full academic load and an entire social shade to their lives to be patient, I guess and that's fine when what you need isn't more people to surround you but... damn, I'm not really sure what I need right now.

That's not true. I need to read about Hinduism and write a two page response.

And I'll get to that, but the night is young.

I think one of the worst things someone told me was that I "need to" decide what interests me most - film, photography, writing, religion, food, psychology etc. - and focus on that one AKA forget about the other ones.

Into the light of the bridge that burns as I drive through the city with the money that I earn
To the dark of a starless sky, I'm staring at nothing and I'm asking you why
Lord, let me make her a star so the world can see who you really are

A lot of times, lately, I'm reminded that I'm 19... for three more months. Then, I'll be 20 and every child in my family will be out of their teens. Is this a horrifying thought? Yes, it makes me anxious - as if I should start investing in shit.

But 19 is still quite young.

It's not too young to start worrying about things, is it? And how do you divide up worry/what you have to do, what your responsibilities are with worry/what God has in complete, don't worry about it control, (s)he'll take over with it? Yeah, the good Christian will tell you that it's potato potato, but that doesn't really help.

ie. I have to... remember to get my parents' social security for fafsa, give blood tomorrow, meet with my film/novel team, meet with my documentary team, call the cops about documentary project, NOT call 911, email biographical info to Briar Cliff etc.

ie. God is in control of... whether I remember those things, shooting the right people my way...

But can't I also write those things down, find those people myself? Can't those people find me by themselves? Does God call us to miss people/seek them out?

My dad said that a calling isn't a dramatic voice that shakes your heart - you can't rely on the heavens to split to tell you that you'd make a pretty good insurance agent.

I'm not thinking about calling at the moment - more of what God has in control and what we can't do to... move God along or sway him/her.

More from the theology prof's son later, when he finishes his assignment.